“She wasn’t bitter. She was sad, though. But it was a hopeful kind of sad.
The kind of sad that just takes time.”
― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower
Sometimes we have second thoughts about our life. Or we stop to have second thoughts and none come. This is not particularly peculiar. You’re not “dumb” and you’re not “a fekking mess”. You’re awake. And this we know is true because if you weren’t, then where would you be?
Not like this.
You wanted to be awake, and now you are.
So. What’s next?
And… if you don’t know yet (although I think that you do), then be patient with yourself for a little bit longer. It’s the unraveling that reminds us we are alive. That we hurt when pricked. Cry when we’re loved, sometimes, because of how beautiful it is. Cry when we’re not loved, sometimes, because of how offensive it is.
Some people pooh-pooh and say ‘…oh fear, it’s a funny thing.’ They’re stupid. Nothing that can debilitate you with such ruthless savage could ever be funny. Not even slightly. Not even just a little bit. But you know what fear is? Fear is a liar. Because we have these things we think we’re scared of. I think some of the biggest things we are scared of are: changing our minds; not loving our life the way happy people seem to do; not wanting to go to bed; not wanting to get out of bed; not wanting to admit; not wanting to deny; not wanting to carry on; not wanting to tell someone that we don’t want to carry on with them; not being sure that we aren’t going to change our minds again tomorrow, or any other day; not being as figured-out as we believe we should be or worse still, not being as figured-out as other people think we are. Then we live with the fear that someone will figure it all out sooner or later. There are lots more. The list is long and to each his own. But why? When we really look at it – why are we scared? Because we bought the nightmare that we think will be the result of how other people will react or how it will affect other people or what other people are going to think or say. Some of these other people are really important because of who they are in our lives. But then, if you think about it, if they are really important because of who they are in our lives – and if they knew how we feel when we are inside of this fear – would they want this for us?
Sometimes you feel like you just wake up to pretend you’re okay until it’s time to go to sleep again. Then you rinse-and-repeat until it’s not just the clothes that are stretched thin. And then there are days when you just want everyone else to go to sleep so that you can be alone – where you’re almost sure-sure you’re happiest.
Still… you know what? As subjective as this gravity is – it’s just a transition. Feels like purgatory, sure. But still… it’s just a transition.
This is not particularly peculiar. You’re not “dumb” and you’re not “a fekking mess”.
You wanted to be awake – and here you are.
So. What’s next?
And if you don’t know yet (although I think that you do), then be patient with yourself for a little bit longer.
It’s the unraveling that reminds us we are alive.
Sometimes the worst thing to happen to you is also the best thing to happen to you.
Either way, you’re going to have to jump.
PS: You had the key when you were a kid.
You just can’t remember where you put it.
Be a kid again.
The solutions are simpler.
© Dylan Balkind