I recently discovered that I have a crush

It is funny what we wait for. It’s hope mostly, because whatever we imagine will come around the next corner is birthed from hope. An idea that gets under our skin because of something someone said or helped us think about. It then grows and grows and eventually consumes us, and although this doesn’t have to be a bad thing altogether, if we aren’t putting the right steps into place to make what we hope for actually happen, we’re going to end up with no happy and just hope.

I recently discovered that I have a crush. It was an all sorts of giddy discovery because it has been a while since the butterflies bounced in my tummy and hopped along my heart. I felt like I was fifteen all over again and the excitement of where sentiment trumps sanity was no longer silly – it was simply pure delight.

It was exciting to see him. To understand what changed in me as I watched his lips move, how his eyes looked at other people, how they reflected light and could show without speaking a word what he was feeling in his heart. Then the phone would ring and I would pause him where he was so that I could pick up at that exact same point when it suited me. Yes, I had fallen for fiction and was crushing on a character.

Crazy is an unceremoniously inappropriate term these days. I think it has lost its meaning and, to be honest, there is not enough of it around. I want to be crazy in love. I want to be crazy talented. I want to be crazy about being crazy about the things that get me out of bed everyday, or the things that don’t do enough to inspire the same. I want to be able to be crazy mad about the things that make me proud to be me and respect the same in others. Here’s the thing though: we are too worried about being crazy-anything so we become cautious, hesitant, tepid bores. And when we should be making the most noise about how crazy we feel because of our happiness or our hurt, we slink into the silent and commit to keeping the water calm.

A pretty Pinterest picture I looked at once explained that you could be surrounded by people and yet still feel lonely. I get that. We all do. I guess that’s the kind of crazy that leads to developing a crush on a TV character, right? A self-preservation thing that responds in the imagination but not with the heart. It’s the kind of self-preservation that comes post shake-up / break-up, naturally.

There is strength in numbers though, always. I have two friends that are becoming increasingly special to me these days and it is their crazy that validates mine, and reminds me of how happy I am to be in it. Like me, both have suffered their own shake-up / break-up and are on their own journeys through it. Each of them said something to me this weekend that made me sit up, take notice of and be thankful for. One said: ‘You chose a terrible time to be my friend.’  The other said: ‘Hanging with you is like breathing in glitter bubbles.’

There is never a terrible time to be someone’s friend. That’s why you are their friend. And once the dust settles, you want the kind of friends that you will enjoy spending time with, breathing in all the glitter bubbles that you can.

It is funny what we wait for. It is even funnier what we don’t have to wait for. Between the love lost or the one you are hoping comes around that corner, more often than not though, happiness happens quietly while you were looking in the other direction.

Be crazy and put those steps in place to be crazy you. And then be crazy enough to look at all that you’ve got. You. And you never know, after all that, you may even find you have a new crush.

I’m never changing who I am.
© Dylan Balkind

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