Gay people are a malicious lot. Underneath our genial candour and hidden behind our ABBA collections, we are intent on causing dissension and decay everywhere we go.
It’s not hard to see why the lovely folk in the Mid-West USA, Russia or that worldly lot in North Korea all named Kim, have such outraged opinions about what the gays are responsible for. The Catholic Church themselves have spoken notably of a link between homosexuality and child rape. This must be true because everything the Catholic Church has ever said or done is transparent and of the highest moral accord. If I could be anything in this world, I’d be a Cardinal. Free gold lamé and I’m in.
But frocks and fashion aside, us limp-wristed lovers of Neil Patrick Harris and fine furniture are also responsible for specific dates in history when the world was changed forever. The list is incredible! There was 9/11 which I can’t deny because I personally taught Osama Bin Laden how to shimmy shake to Come On Everybody Won’t You Do That Conga, so I know his hips don’t lie and that when he was caught by the US in 2011, his rainbow flag was flying high and proud.
There was also Hurricane Sandy and Hurricane Katrina, which involved some of the finest blowing our planet has ever seen. No ways the gays can deny that one! There was the tragedy that was Oscar Pistorius’ Valentines Day, the Economic Downturn in Post World War 1 Germany, Adam Lanza’s killing spree at Sandy Hook Elementary School, the Marikana Mining Mass Murder and of course – AIDS.
I don’t know about you, but this seems like a long list of allegations and that’s not even the half of it. Bryan Fischer said that gays are responsible for the formation of the Nazi party and therefore must have been behind the Holocaust too. I for one think that there would have been a lot more use of colour in those God-awful Nazi uniforms and nicer lines to the shape of their trousers had we been behind it all. But, fair enough, if this is true then we must accept the blame like men. Maybe we could learn a lot from Bin Laden and his merry troops? They are the first to issue videos claiming responsibility for their actions of mass destruction. Just imagine the videos we could make. Show tune themed sing-alongs complete with step-by-step instructions on the step-by-step dance routines. Ah! Mazeballs!
We must be careful of slippage though! Dr. Patrick Wooden says that gay men need diapers because sperm is only intended to end up where it can fertilise an egg, and that because gay men are so insistent on putting their sperm in places where there are no eggs, we are therefore also going to be held responsible for the extinction of the human race.
Dealing with the guilt of all of our homosexual evils makes me think that the extinction of mankind may not be such a bad thing altogether. But… before we all die in our nappies, I think it’s important to note that it’s not all bad. Despite the long list of global irregularities that our jazz hands have manipulated, we should probably stop flapping and look on the bright side. At least we had absolutely nothing to do with the creation of the Twilight Saga, Lindsay Lohan, Todd Akin, Lance Armstrong, Apartheid, Kanye West, Carnival City, Julius Malema, Donald Trump’s hair, The Bachelor series or Gareth Cliff. That’s A LOT to be grateful for right there.
I’m going to go count my blessings – and my sequins.
© Dylan Balkind